The Latest News
|
|
|
|
Clergy Comedy
|
|
Order your copy of the DVD "Let the Redeemed...Laugh"
@ www.clergycomedy.com
|
| |
|
The Blog
|
|
8.19.08
HOME FROM TEXAS
We just returned home from south east Texas! What a great time we had ministering
at Abundant Llife Sanctuary in Groves, TX. This is a rock solid church!
We enjoyed out time in Texas. And of course there's nothing wrong with
that good ol' Southern hospitality. God Bless Pastor and Sister David Myer
and the awesome saints of Abundant Llife Sanctuary!
8.11.08
IN THE AIR...AGAIN
It is late and I am writing this before I drift off into sleep. Tomorrow
afternoon we will leave out of LAX bound for hot, humid, thunderstormy Houston.
Wow...I can't believe it.
We are however preaching at an awesome church about an hour outside of
Houston in Groves, TX. Abundant Life Sanctuary is a great church pastored
by my friend Bro. David Myer. We are looking forward to ministering in Groves...but
to be honest...we are not looking forward to the weather. I just don't like
the weather where I walk outside and then feel like I have to take another
shower.
Oh well...
8.09.08
YOU SEE...THIS IS WHY I AM THIS
WAY...SEE?
Running the aisles in Pentecost is a lost art today. Seriously. Running
the aisles in church is tricky. Well...where else would you run the aisles
but Pentecost? I never see people running the aisles at like...Vons.
It is tricky...especially knowing when to enter the aisle running track.
Any why is it that we always run the aisles in a counter clockwise fashion?
Are we trying to somehow be like Superman and turn back the hands of time...does
Lois Lane need saving?
And it's hard to know when to like cut in the flow of the aisle running.
You have to just kinda like...feel it out. You have to time it. And you
always have to look before entering the flow of traffic. You get an opening
and you go! Go, man! Run like the wind! And then you get those people who
don't know how to merge...and they cut you off! And you can't yell at them
because it's church.
And then you get those Newbies...who run the aisles in new shoes. Or you
get that guy who catches that one wrinkle in the church carpet where the seams
don't quite match up right...and he trips and falls. And everyone's trying
to go around but it ends up looking like one of those bike crashes in the
Olympics. It's like a twelve man Pentecostal pile up.
Or you get those guys who fall down...and I mean they eat it! They fall
hard. And they try to make it look like one of those shout and roll things.
Like they fell out or something. Like that video on Youtube with Benny Hinn's
wife.
And why is it that when a lady gets prayed for and she falls out...boom!
Like from nowhere the Sport Coat Brigade leaps into action like some Nascar
pit crew. How many coats does the lady need...anyway?
And then you get those people at the head of the pack who get tired and
start to do that praise walk thing. And it creates like a traffic jam. And
the whole thing turns into like a big Pentecostal conga line.
8.08.08
PREACHERS
I am a preacher. When we step to the pulpit and after reading our text,
most preachers will say, "Let's clap our hands to the Lord." I began to think
and over analyze as I often do about the minutia of life. Preachers are the
only profession who ask for a round of applause before they begin working.
And we can get demanding about it. "Come on clap your hands! Come, on...you
can do better than that! I said clap your hands! Come on, somebody! Clap!"
And then I began to think...what if other professions did the same thing?
What other profession can demand a round of applause before they begin working?
Like at the restaurant, the waiter would say: "Hi, my name is Bob. I'll
be your server. Before I take your drink order...how about a round of applause?"
The cab driver would demand, "Hey, buddy! Before I start this fare...I
want you to put those hands together!"
When you call the plumber to unclog your sewer line he would say, "Well...before
I run this snake into your toilet...why don't you just put your hands together
and clap for me!"
Then we as preachers "one up" the clap and ask for a shout of praise! No
one else does this.
The next time you go into the doctor: "Hello, Mr. Smith. Before we begin
our procedure...why don't you stand to your feet in that little hospital gown
and give me a round of applause and a shout of positive affirmation!"
Preachers are the only ones who tend to shout when communicating their most
important information. You know...the main point of the entire message and
we yell! What other profession can do this?
The mechanic would say, "Well, Mr. Jones...you're engine...I SAID YOUR ENGINE
IS DEAD! IT'S DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! Come on, Mr. Jones...clap your hands!
Lift up your head, Mr. Jones! This is going to cost you SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS!
COME ON! SIX THOUSAND!"
8.5.08
TO THE KIND PASTOR FROM BAKERSFIELD
I was at camp meeting in the exhibition area looking through the Suit
Yourself booth. Suit Yourself is a men's clothing store owned by a friend
of mine Bro. Caesar Silva. You need to check it out if you are at camp
meeting. Anyway, I took a bunch of suits to my trailer to try on. After
I got the approval from my wife I returned to Bro. Silva's booth with my
choice. Brother Silva said, "Okay...let me tell Bro. Mullings."
I thought..."Say what?"
It was then that Brett Mullings returned with money from his Dad and paid
for my suit. He didn't have to do that...but I just wanted to give him a
shout out from the web site and say, "Thanks."
I've always liked Bro. Mullings...
8.2.08
ENJOYING SOME TIME OFF
Last week we preached junior youth camp in Santa Maria, Ca. We are enjoying
a couple of days off. Don't tell anyone, but we're NOT going to church
tomorrow. This will be the first Sunday since...like...I think it was last
year around Thanksgiving time that I haven't been preaching somewhere. This
is wonderful...wonderful. Now...I am not giving anyone license to miss
church whenever they feel like it. In fact if you're church has service
tomorrow...you NEED to be there! But...you know...
Next week is the Western District Camp Meeting. Now...I love camp meeting.
I really do. It's a time to get together with people that believe the
same thing, have the same goals, and worship the same as you. Sameness
is a good thing. We are right in the middle of the campground. People
are pulling rigs in, setting up water lines, tents, portable closets, tables,
BBQs...you get the point.
This aspect of camp meeting is kinda like a Pentecostal version of Woodstock.
It's like PENTESTOCK or APOSTOCK. Whichever you like. It's kind of like
being in a Pentecostal compound. But don't worry...we're not breaking
out the kool aid just yet. It is all a part of the phenomenon of camp
meeting. The closeness...the preaching...the dust...the worship...the
noise...the fellowship...it's what makes camp meeting....well...camp meeting.
We are enjoying the coastal weather (highs in the mid 70's and cooling
down to like 50 at night) because next week we fly to Southeast Texas!
Hooooooaahhhhh! I'm so looking forward to being at Abundant Life Sanctuary...but
I am not looking forward to the humidity.
7.31.08
LATE NIGHT PRAYER MEETING
Last night we had a great service. It was the last night of camp and
the energy was high! I made it back to my trailer late and I was soooooooo
tired! I received a text message from one of the campers that there was
a late night prayer meeting going on that was started by a bunch of young
guys.
Let me just give EXTREME KUDOS to these prayer warriors! These guys
left playing sports (and what guy doesn't like playing sports?) to come
BACK into the sanctuary and start praying. It was ALL their idea. No
one asked them to come back...no one forced them to pray. They just did
it There were only five guys praying at first, but soon other people heard
them worshipping and came inside to see what was going on. FIRE SPREADS!
Soon...other guys and girls under the supervision of several counselors
began to fill the sanctuary and pray. Young people were crying, shouting,
dancing, and praying until about 2AM. These young people are truly DOUBLE
PORTION young people! Young people that are not ashamed of THE GOSPEL.
These were young people who decided to get everything out of camp!
You guys were great! Keep it up!
7.30.08
TO MY HECKLER IN MISSISSIPPI
Let me just begin this entry by saying that hecklers are
basically insecure people. Stand Up Comedy is one of the hardest things
you can do. Now I know things like brain surgery and nuclear physics take
a lot of grey cranial matter to deal with...but there's nothing like having
to stand up in front of an audience that you don't know, and try to make
them laugh. I mean...really. What are you going to do? Pray for the anointing?
I think with Stand Up Comedy even God's looking down going, "You're on
your own!"
Hecklers are people who
realize that they are not as funny as the people on stage...and so they
heckle. To my heckler from Mississippi...your exaggerated laughs at the
end of every joke was so...so...1970's. I mean...you're sense of humor
was just about as shallow as your intellect. You talk about a stagnant gene
pool! Whoa! I mean...when I was dating...it was guys like you that made
girls like the one you were with that night...want to go out with ME! And
I was a geek-dweeb back then. Still am to a degree.
I mean...you had Mensa
written all over you. And no, Mensa is not a rare breed of Japanese catfish!
I should be kind...you are after all from the Deep South. But to be quite
frank...I found YOU to be anything but DEEP. Disturbed? Yes. An idiot?
Yes. Insecure? Yeshhhhhhh. But I think it's safe to say you won't be going
to Harvard anytime soon.
If you don't laugh at
my material...that's cool. Because ultimately humor is subjective, and
no one should be able to take away your sense of humor. And if they try to...you
should...like...run up on them and like...bite them on the back of the
leg and shove red hot pokers up their nose. Anyway....I digress. Whether
or not you laugh...here's the beauty of it...I STILL GET PAID! You on the
other hand...got to be a jerk for FREE!
Ultimately...you wanted
to be noticed that night. What...was she not paying attention to you?
Is that why you decided to heckle? Dude, there are better ways to attract
her attention than looking like you skipped your daily dose of Ridlin.
Bro, do your friends a favor and crank up the dosage! I guess you are
living proof that nothing good comes from marrying your cousin.
Anyway...it's all cool.
It's all good. I hope you had a good time looking like the biggest idiot
since Paris Hilton was carried off to jail.
I now know why some
tigers eat their young. Heckle me again...go on...I triple dog dare you.
|
|
|
| |
|
